Do you ever have one of those days where nothing is going right and you want to run out into a field and scream at the top of your lungs? I'm having that day today. Early this morning I couldn't fold kings against aces. I knew I was beat and just got stubborn and kept thinking that of the last 10 times I've had kings I've been against aces 6 times (not an exaggeration - I've been keeping track. I've folded and lost the minimum exactly 50% of the time of those 6 hands). What the hell? [/end whine] I still ended the night up $115, but it should have been more. It was a good night considering I was having difficulty getting any good pre-flop hands and only really connected with four boards in a big way (i.e. something bigger than one pair) the whole night (a ten hour session). My no limit game has really improved in the past month or so since I've been seriously trying to fine tune some problems with my game. Now if I could just find the discipline to fold every time I know I'm beat (earlier in the night I should have just folded another hand, but didn't - this is probably the biggest hole in my game right now. I did manage to fold big pocket pairs twice last night (JJ and QQ), losing the minimum). If I'm seriously going to try to make some money through poker this summer I have got to stop calling/raising when I should be folding. I've gotten better, but I need to start listening to myself 100% of the time instead of 50%.
I would actually like to start playing some more no limit games. I'm gonna have to find some more games during the week to play when I'm not in school this summer. There are a lot of nights I'd really just like to play for a few hours and then go home. AC is too far away. I feel like I need to get my no limit fix in on Mondays so it's harder for me to get up from the table. I have a feeling playing shorter sessions would help me be able to fold when I know I'm behind more too.
But anyways...
Ate breakfast, slept for a few hours, went to campus and met with one of my students. As it turns out I really misgraded his midterm and I didn't really have an excuse. It's the first time that has happened to me. I've had many students come speak to me about their grades over the semester and I have yet to change one of them. I had to change this one, and I felt really bad about it.
Then I started getting stressed about a paper I have to do and I'm just very frustrated with that class in particular. I am kinda having an existential crisis with regards to school right now. This happens every May when I start pondering what the end of the semester will bring grade-wise and what the next year will bring in terms of me being a productive PhD student. Will it be the end of the world if I get a B+ in one class this semester? No. Actually, it really won't matter that much at all except to me. I have guaranteed funding (assuming I am making good progress) for the next two years and then I can take out a loan for my dissertation if I need to. My professors want to see me succeed (with the potential exception of one who I never plan to take another class from). I impose so much stress on myself it's ridiculous. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best and when I don't live up to that I get really angry with myself. 90% of the time I am angry at the poker table (now that Jeff is not around), for example, it's anger at myself for playing something badly. Why do I pressure myself so much to be good at stuff? Such an overachiever. Self-imposed stress is so dumb.
Then on my way home from campus I got a call from my car dealership saying that the part they needed to fix my car window (car has been in the shop since Thursday) IS NOT CURRENTLY IN THE UNITED STATES RIGHT NOW AND HAS NOT BEEN RELEASED BY VW TO SHIP TO THE US. Uhhhhhhhhh - what???? I am on some kind of emergency priority list, and they are paying for me to be in a rental in the meantime, but wtf? I want my car!!! The weather's nice and I don't exactly like the idea that they have no idea when they will be able to fix my car. I mean it's just a freaking window. How hard can it be.
What a fucking awful day. Yeah, I suppose it could be worse (I'm healthy, have a roof over my head, have some money in my bank account...), but mentally.....it's just been one of those days where I feel like I got hit by a truck. I think I need to curl up in the basement in a catatonic state for awhile and watch some mindless tv. Actually, I really need to work on that paper, but I just can't bring myself to do it right now. :(
And if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I need to vent every once in awhile. If you can't do that on your blog, where can you do it?
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