Me and New Year's Don't Mix

I kinda dread New Year's Eve every year.  It seems like the best laid plans always get thrown by the wayside and NYE instead ends up with a giant clusterfuck of a problem.  As a matter of fact, the only year that I can remember having a NYE that was good was 2007/2008 when I was in Vegas and I went on the biggest heater of my life playing $100/hand blackjack.  Now THAT was a good NYE.

I could literally tell you about 15 "wow my NYE got really screwed up" stories...the worst one was probably the year that my friend John and I got stood up by the guy we were supposed to hang out with (who was 21...we were not).  So after getting stood up, we decided that it would be a good idea to drive to Canada, where we could legally drink, and then spend some time at Casino Niagara.  I think this was NYE 1997/1998.  Everything went to plan until we got in a serious car accident in the middle of nowhere after running into a Buffalo storm on the way home the next day.  Car got totaled, we almost got totaled....I guess the good news is that both John and I are still alive.  LOL

And, so, I should not be surprised when my NYE this year looks like it will be spent stuck in Vancouver with my mom who does not drink.  :p

April, Come She Will

April, come she will

When streams are ripe and swelled with rain;

May, she will stay,

Resting in my arms again.

June, she'll change her tune
In restless walks she'll prowl the night;

July, she will fly,

And give no warning to her flight.


August, die she must

The autumn winds blow chilly and cold;

September I'll remember.

A love once new has now grown old.

~Simon and Garfunkel

I still owe a WPBT review.  It is forthcoming.  

In the meantime, I've had these thoughts about life swimming around in my head pretty much ever since Vegas.  I want to record them so I can remind myself of this step on my journey, and when times in the future may not seem quite so rosy. 

[Warning: brutal honesty ahead...]

The past few years have been pretty bad for me.  Supposedly, divorce is one of the most traumatic life events one can go through, and mine was not even that bad.  However, there was a lot of stuff leading up to it, and a lot of stuff after it that was a lot worse than negotiating the actual divorce.  

But what is a bad year, really?  A bad day might be you waking up on the wrong side of bed, being cranky, getting some bad news and dwelling on it.  But a bad year?  At that point, it's time to take some responsibility and admit that at least part of it might be your own fault, or at least your own attitude and choices.  That maybe you should stop seeking short-term fixes to long-term problems.

I have always thought of myself as a supremely independent person.  I like to do things my way.  I like to do things without help...even at times when it would really benefit me to swallow some pride and ask for some.  The past few years I've come to realize that I never really knew what independence was.  I went from pretty much being my parents' child to being my ex-husband's wife.  I never learned how to cope with some of the stresses of life by myself.  I always had someone there to help me.  The past year especially has been a bit rocky as I have learned to live more independently...how to find happiness from within myself, instead of happiness in others.  After six months of really and truly living alone without another person as my crutch, I think I've finally started to find some of that independence.  Happiness within myself.  Acceptance of being alone instead of always running from it. 

The low point in the past year was most definitely New Year's Eve 2008/2009.  I spent most of that night crying, and I was so seriously depressed that I literally had to be pulled out of bed.  I bailed on a New Year's Party that I paid $200 to attend because I couldn't get myself in the shower, let alone into formal wear.  From that night and over the course of the year I (re)learned the lesson that some people who you think might be your friends might not actually be there for you when the chips are down.  I'm definitely ending 2009 with a different group of people I consider to be my closest friends, but you know what?  They were the people who were there for me over some difficult times.  They were the people who stepped up when I had the courage to say "I need help" instead of the people who ran away or outright said no.  Most importantly, I've learned to ask for help when I need it and not fear getting "no" as an answer.  So many things have gone wrong in my life over the past two years and I've gotten through every single one of them.  The sun still rises the next day, and I am still here in one piece.  I have new-found confidence that I *can* get through whatever life throws at me.  Confidence that, even alone, I'm going to be OK, because I learned how to be there for myself.  I can pick up my own pieces and put them back together for myself.  And, more importantly, I've really come to understand that some of these problems have been my own fault (or at least exacerbated by my own actions).  As someone said to me: "when your hand gets sucked out on, yeah it sucks, but if you played it terribly, you have yourself to blame too."  AMEN.

So, the past week, I've been reflecting on all of this, and I'm feeling really good about my future, and really positive about my life, even though I don't have a job, and don't have a lot of direction right now.  I'm feeling so much better about myself as a person, and I think most of that has to do with the fact that I've found new confidence in my own abilities.  I know I can face and survive pretty much anything life can throw at me, so an unknown future is a lot less unnerving.

How's that for some brutal honesty?

Happy almost 2010, peeps.  I hope it's a good one for all of us.  But if it's not, know that I am prepared to be there for those of you who got me through 2009.  And I'm prepared to be there for myself too.  :)

WPBT!

Well, I'm sitting in the airport waiting to get on my flight out to Vegas for the WPBT.  I missed check in on my actual flight by 5 minutes, but ended up getting rebooked on a direct flight which is fine with me.  I was just chatting with @bmorebilly and he said: "Don't use up all your run good at the airport!" Yeah, I hope I don't! 

But I am treating this trip like a vacation and not a work trip, so I'm hoping to have fun no matter how I'm running at the tables. 

I've been a poker blogger forever, but just met up with Al at the Borgata Winter Open this past January.  From there I met people during the Series like CK, Jen, and Dan.  I'm looking forward to meeting people like April and Maigrey, who I've talked to on twitter for the better part of a year, for the first time.

And, well, my parents read this blog so I'll keep the rest out of here and on my twitter feed, but I'm slightly nervous that I might not be able to hang with the likes of Al for 5 days.  24 hours?  Yes, no problem.  5 days.... wow.  Wish me luck.  LOL

Sets are a good hand, right?

The last time I was set over setted in either direction was in May at Harrahs. I had a higher set over the guy to my immediate left. An orbit later, I had middle set to Travis' top set and lost the biggest pot I'd ever lost until a few weeks ago. I could've folded that hand. I almost did.

I haven't seen either side of set over set since then until my birthday last week. I had a set of aces and a set of jacks run down by open ended draws. The coup de grace was having a set of 8s vs a set of 9s on a 9-high flop shortly thereafter. I left with my tail between my legs.

Today has been terrible for me and sets. Flopped a set of kings earlier and doubled. Then I lost some of that profit when I flopped a set of 7s and got flushed. Shortly thereafter, I flopped a set of 9s on a flushy straighty board and bailed when they both got there on the turn and the betting got really heavy. Turns out I was against a flush and another guy who hit the straight. Got away from that one for $30.

Now I'm at the Borgata. Flopped the nut flush against the second nut flush and doubled, only to ship all the profit when I was on the losing side of set over set again on an A96 flop (6s vs 9s).

Sometimes poker is so brutal.

One of my favorite quotes

Time to share it again:

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things
you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things
that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than
living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't
it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret
heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love
to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only
to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what
you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you
almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When
the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of
an understanding ear." - Stephen King

Degenerate Dating Drama

Wanted.  Someone who gets (or at least can put up with) the life of a poker grinder, but doesn't have a gambling problem.  

In the past week two separate people have asked me when I'm going to start dating, and it's devolved into a conversation about my life and relationships.

Post-divorce and post....whatever-the-hell-that-was, I've done a lot of thinking about this.  It's some thinking I probably should have done two years ago...or more like ten years ago.  I've realized a few pitfalls I've fallen into in the past and I'm determined not to fall in again.  It's been good. 

Most people are really shocked to discover I'm actually a shy person around people I don't know that well.  I suffer from really bad social anxiety in new situations. 

Needless to say, I've never been one to date a ton.  I got married when I was 22 (divorced at 29).  A friend has been trying to get me to do the online dating thing, but I don't know how ready I am to jump into something like that.  Scary.

On top of this, a new problem has recently arisen.  The life of the single, female, degenerate.  Most guys I meet are poker players.  Hell, most people I meet these days are poker players.  I'm not *trying* to date a poker player...(comes with its own issues).  But...I don't know that I have other venues for meeting people.  I'm pretty busy between poker (i.e. work) and school.  I'm on a crazy schedule where I sleep most of the daylight hours away.  Meeting people while playing poker is like...hanging out with coworkers.  :p

Alternatively, most non-poker playing guys I know think it's AWESOME when they first meet me that I play poker to help with the bills.  They want to hear all about the WSOP events I've played in.  This fascination usually lasts only until they figure out that the life of a poker player is not like the bling blang blaow video, or whatever their idea is of professional poker playing.  Seriously, I think they all think it's me just hanging out rolling in money and having fun.  Like I'm Phil Ivey or something.  Anyone who's done low/mid stakes grinding knows that's not it AT ALL.

So after about a week or so, the FASCINATION with my lifestyle wears off and they get really fed up wondering why I'm always in AC (it's like going to the office, definitely not a 24 hour party), why I am never free on weekends (best time to make money), why I'm always asleep during the day...  They get jealous of what they THINK my lifestyle is.  Not to mention the complete and total difference in the way we view money (Yes, it's OK to get $300 in with 21 outs, but that doesn't mean I want to spend an extra $.50 on gas! It's DIFFERENT.)  I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to find someone who understands this lifestyle that isn't a poker player, let alone someone who can put up with it.  And poker isn't something I'm giving up anytime soon, though I would love to start dating again. 

It's lonely out here for a girl poker player.  

So yeah... Wanted.  Someone who gets the life of a poker grinder, but doesn't have a gambling problem.  Someone who gets that I will be in AC working a lot of the time.  Someone who understands why I go on tilt from time to time.  Someone who gets the difference
between getting it all in with an OESFD and lighting money
on fire on material shit.  On the other hand, someone who wants to watch movies, cuddle on the couch, and rock out to music with me, too. I promise I can talk about things other than poker (I'm actually quite well-rounded)...but it's always gonna be a big part of my life.

I just saw this hand go down

At pink O8.  AAA6 calls all kinds of bets on flop and turn.  O...M...G.

Looking for new music?

I've been a music addict for as long as I can remember.  I'm always on the lookout for new music, and I recently discovered a blog that archives all free itunes downloads.  It's been awesome...I'm downloading a free bunch of songs every week and not forgetting about it before they expire thanks to my feed reader.  Yay for free music!

Also, my friend Pete and his band "The Dusty's" rock.  Go download their EP.  You won't be sorry. 

A Downswinging Degenerate's Guide to AC

It's funny how some of us bitch and moan about spending an extra $2 on coffee but will gladly shove $$$ in on a draw or bluff.  I discovered a great new "deal" in AC this past trip, so I figured I would compile a bunch of the deals I know about to share with my lucky readers.  To quote: Dawn Summers, " How are you not paying me for this!" ;)

1) McCormick and Schmick's right next to the Harrah's poker room has a 10pm-12am happy hour.  I love M+S, but I don't usually eat gourmet meals in AC.  I think I can count the number of times I have on one hand...  As far as I know, they just started doing this, but they have some great CHEAP food deals if you are a degenerate and do not eat dinner until 10pm anyways.  How's about a $4 giant, fresh-made hamburger?  This has to be one of the best deals in AC.

2) Free breakfast at Harrah's poker room.  The first time I was in the poker room at 5am and saw them wheel in a tray filled with danishes and bagels with cream cheese I thought I must be crazy.  What kind of casino gives away free stuff?  Sure enough, it's a free breakfast for their players.  It goes fast, but....free!!!

3) Red Door Spa at Harrah's.  I love Red Door Spas.  I discovered a hairdresser that I really like at the one at Harrah's (Sam).  They also have one of the nicest spa areas of any fancy spa I've ever been to (including Canyon Ranch at the Venetian).  Why is a spa listed under saving money at a casino?  Cause you can use your comps there 1:1.  You heard it here first.  I've been doing it for about a year.

4) Obv...free rooms at Harrah's midweek are the nuts.  People at the Borgata were so excited about $79 midweek poker rates...well, who needs that when you can get free rooms at Harrah's in their brand new Waterfront Tower, complete with flat screen tv, GIANT shower, and really comfy beds.  Get a player's card and start getting offers.  Seriously... I am platinum (soon to be Diamond) now, but I got offers when I was Gold too.

5) Breakfast at the deli!  This is not so much a deal as something new I discovered... The Harrah's deli now does breakfast!  Eggs, bacon, sausage, etc.  It's not on their menu board but it is on the order yourself machines.

No, Harrah's did not pay me to write this post.  I wish they had, but no...I'm just a fan.  Considering they own the majority of casino properties in AC, getting a player's card is a no brainer.  Do it.

Catching up on poker

I've been tracking my play with the iPhone app "poker journal" since March. (Yes, there's an app for that). I first read about it on 2+2, and it's been one of the most valuable pieces of info I've found on that forum. Last year I tried tracking my play through a google docs spreadsheet which quickly became garbage in/ garbage out because who wants to log all the particular details of a really rough session when you first get home? Having tracking on my phone allows me to set everything up when I first sit at the table and keeps me honest. I recently acquired enough data to dump it into excel and do some analysis. What did I find? I'm a far more profitable Omaha player (both limit and pot limit) than NLHE. I'm a winning NLHE player, to be sure, but I make much more consistent money (and more money per average session) at Omaha. Too bad it's frequently hard to find good live Omaha games. The good news is with one exception at the beginning of my tracking, I've been in the black all year. Too bad all of that money has gone to bills.

Next up: recap of past 24 hrs in AC. If you follow me on Twitter, you can skip this section. ;) Sat down at pink O8 at the Borgata. It was a very juicy table. Nonetheless, I quickly found myself down $100 due to flopping second nuts full house and having my low counterfeited on the river. In a three way pot, I gets Nunavut. However, I clawed my way back and netted +150 that session, putting me at +100 for the day after I dropped $50 really quickly at NLHE.

Most of the fish busted from the pink game after that, so I left to go check in at Harrahs. I wish I could just move in to one of their waterfront tower rooms. Went downstairs to play some NLHE...I was SUPER card dead for 2-3 hrs. Then had "one player to a hand" violated when I had quads against top full which cost me $150. Still, I perservered. I pulled off a great all-in river bluff around hour 3 against the guy who told me two hours earlier that girls never bluff. Did not show it because I just don't think showing the bluff is a +ev move for my style of play. Around hour 4.5, I FINALLY doubled up with AA>JJ on 8 high flop. Soon after I was outta there to get some sleep.

Also of note: borgata changed their cards to some fugly Gemacos last week. The shade of red is very dark (cause of the infamous "I have a flush...oh wait I don't" incident at the Tropicana in 2006, the cards are stiff, and the face cards are ridiculously ugly. But they supposedly work better in the autoshufflers.

Harrahs also changed their cards last week but they are the "nicer" Gemacos. Very flexible and no ugly face cards. However, they are no longer superindex. (and then the peasants rejoiced!) I hate superindex cards for Holdem.

Woke up feeling good. Gonna take a long shower, get some food, and hit the tables again hoping for some more winning sessions.

Recovering from Life Tilt

I allowed myself to get frustrated and tilty at some personal stuff on Monday night.  I told myself after I got it together and left the table that I was on poker time-out til next Monday, to prevent myself from doing anything stupid, like angry poker.  Angry poker is bad news.  Angry poker makes my bank account cry. 

So, I haven't played in a week.  It's been hard...especially since I've been in NJ for the past few days visiting with my sister.  And it was a holiday weekend and I know lots of fish were in AC.  But I know it's the right thing to do.  There is absolutely no point in playing on tilt.  I'm feeling refreshed and ready to get back to my game.

The weekend in NJ with John and Sarah has been great.  We've gone shopping in the cute little town that she and John work in.  We went to an Agatha Christie play.  We've bummed around drinking beer and watching football.  It's been very nice. 

I have a room that I booked ages ago at Harrah's Monday-Wednesday.  I'm very much looking forward to my return to poker.  Please, poker gods, let me run at least averagely.  :)

Best Comment of the Week

Because Dawn Summers is #legendary, and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I'm going to steal her idea of best Tweet/Comment of the week.

Though the week is not yet over, sorry peeps, voting is closed.  Yesterday I noted on facebook that I had just passed a farm in rural PA called "Half Ass Farm."  Without missing a beat @andrewtappan responded: "Are you at the intersection of North, South, and East Capitol Streets?" HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Classic, sir.  Well played.

Random trip to Gettysburg

Excuse my maudlin nature earlier in the week.  Soon after, I pulled myself out of slump with the assistance of some friends.  I was also reminded of my own catchphrase: it could always be worse.  Indeed.  I have my health; I'm smart; I have awesome family and friends... everything else is just not worth worrying about (says the natural born worrier).

So, yesterday I felt the need to get out of the house.  If you know me, you know I am prone to boredom and love to take little random trips.  I'll wake up in the morning and think "I should drive to Cleveland to go see the RNR HOF!"  It's one of my charming quirks.  ;)

Ever since Al, Jen, and Dan came to DC for poker week at the end of July, I've been thinking I should really get downtown and see the new Newseum.  I also have a list of things that have somehow eluded me seeing them in the 13+ years I've lived here.  Did I do either one of those?  No, I decided to go to Gettysburg instead.  

I'm a Civil War buff and I have been since like 8th grade (here is where Billy would sing the nerd song, LOL).  I've been to every major Civil War battlefield at least once, and a lot of Revolutionary ones too (thank you traveling to random places for work!).  The last time I was at Gettysburg was on my high school senior class trip though, so I thought I'd give it another go.  It's actually not far at all from MD...I got there in about 1.5 hours.  I packed a picnic, put my convertible roof down, and set off to PA for the day.

First off, I was surprised by how crowded it was on a random Thursday in October.  It was me and all the retirees, but I had to park in the third overflow parking lot.  They have a new visitors center which is really nice, including a new movie with Sam Waterston and Morgan Freeman and a new set up for the cyclorama, which is really amazing.

Then I picked up the self-tour audio cds and set about driving all over the battlefield.  What a great way to spend a few hours on a gorgeous fall afternoon.  Recommended.  If you do the self-drive, make sure you get out, especially at Devil's Den and Little Roundtop.  The views of the PA countryside were amazing.

Next up on my fall random trips list: Appomattox, Skyline Drive, Monticello (which amazingly I have never been to before!)

My Week So Far (self pity edition)

1) I'm having trouble finding someone to be my replacement adviser at school which means

2) I may be out of a job in December

3) At which point my $18k student loan will come due.

4) Been looking for jobs and applying to 2-3 every day for a month.  I haven't gotten a single phone call yet.

5) Divorce agreement is all but Court approved...bringing all kinds of issues like "is he the only one who will ever love me" to the fore.

6) Icing on the cake: ex-friend and his girlfriend are Tweeting about how I am bad in bed. 

I don't think I'm going to get out of bed today.  :/

Yay for Good Music!

I've recently acquired a new iPod classic that I won't be able to fill by the time it breaks... It inspired me to completely organize my music collection both in hard copy and electronically.  Been ripping my entire cd collection to iTunes over the past few weeks.

One of my friends makes these awesome "Best of" cd's every year and I recently rediscovered this Nina Simone gem from his Best of 2006 album.  I love love love this song. 

Ain't Got No/I Got Life - Nina Simone

Ain't got no home, ain't got no shoes
Ain't got no money, ain't got no class
Ain't got no skirts, ain't got no sweater
Ain't got no perfume, ain't got no beer
Ain't got no man

Ain't got no mother, ain't got no culture
Ain't got no friends, ain't got no schooling
Ain't got no love, ain't got no name
Ain't got no ticket, ain't got no token
Ain't got no God

Then what have I got?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what have I got?
Nobody can take away

I got my hair, I got my head
I got my brains, I got my ears
I got my eyes, I got my nose
I got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, I got my chin
I got my neck, I got my boobs

I got my heart, I got my soul
I got my back, I got my sex
I got my arms, I got my hands
I got my fingers, Got my legs
I got my feet, I got my toes
I got my liver, Got my blood

I've got life , I've got my freedom
I've got life

And I'm gonna keep it
I've got life
And nobody's gonna take it away
I've got life

FARGO 2009 recap

You never forget your first.  I love Foxwoods.  It's home to a lot of poker firsts for me.  It's where I played my first live tournament, my first live cash game, my first live HORSE game... It's where I learned to play (way before I met the MD degenerates).  It's where I first turned $100 into $1000.  It's the first room where I knew floor people and room management by name.  It's where I first fell in love with poker.  All of this, combined with the fact that I'm only ever there alone makes it feel like my little (big?) corner of the poker universe.  I walk from the Rainmaker garage straight to the poker room (back way, down the escalators, and through the stud and limit section) and I smile every time.  I'm home.

There's a lot of things about the place that people love to hate, and it's true...there are some things that suck.  Last call (at a casino!!!) at 1:30am.  Dealers don't keep their own tips (they pool with the entire poker and pit).  It's frequently crowded cause it's such a big room.  Their comps used to really suck.  They have those ridiculous buttons.  But a lot of the bad about Foxwoods has changed over the past two years (buyins, rake, etc.) and there is a lot of good (cappuccinos! LOL). 

Original plan was to show up on Saturday for the NL and play the Sunday HORSE because I was backed to play the O8 tourney on Friday at the Borgata Poker Open.  However, I ran into some room issues and had a hold on my credit card which prevented me from booking a room anywhere for Thursday.  Gave backers back their money.  :(  Frustrated, I figured I might as well head up to Foxwoods early since their dinner was on Thursday night.  On top of that, for all the times I've been to Foxwoods, I've never once stayed in their hotel(s) because my parents live 15 minutes away.  FREE room and board with people who will cook for you trumps all.

So I headed up to the dinner at Custy's thinking that this was a good time for me to get over some of my long standing social phobia.  I was going to show up to the dinner by myself dammit.  It would be fine.

I was expecting it to be like the smoker's dinner at ATLARGE.  I showed up, met Tracy (FARGO organizer, who I'd emailed a few times), and walked into a restaurant with no bar to sit at, filled with people and their families.  After some attempted conversation with a guy, his wife, and their son (who I think thought I was nuts), and 10 minutes of sitting alone thinking showing up to FARGO all by myself was a really BAD idea, I turned around and found some people I knew from ATLARGE.  Goldie, Chic, Bob Lauria, and Todd (spidurman) were playing Chinese poker...for the glory.  Chic (as usual) had attracted quite a crowd as people watched him set his hands.  Breathing a sigh of relief, I walked over and attached myself to Chic et al, informing them that I had come to FARGO on my own.  Great guys that they are, they took me into the fold and we had a great dinner where I met some new people, and was riddled with Omaha8 puzzles by Bob Lauria (what are the three boards that you will have the nuts on if your hand is 9992?).

After dinner most people stayed to play the heads up match, but I hadn't registered for it, so I just went to my parents' house. 

Friday I spent mostly with my mom.  We went to see Bodies: Revealed.  I showed her around the giantness that is Foxwoods.  After dinner at home, I went and played some cash (8/16 HORSE, 1/2 PLO). 

Saturday, I got up bright and early to get to the NLHE tourney.  As I was registering at the cage, one of the floor people I know came over and told the cashier to give me the lucky seat because I was his landlady and he needed a break on rent.  Sadly, it wasn't the lucky seat, but I didn't do badly considering I had really awful hands (best was TT which I had to fold pf) and the structure and starting chips were kinda bad.  I'm too lazy to look back at twitter to see exactly when I busted, but it was when we were down to three tables.  They paid 11 (save for the bubble) and I think I busted out somewhere around 18th.  Ho hum.  I did have a great time though, and made some new friends based on my seat assignment (Steve and Chris, hi!). 

After making it pretty deep, I stayed around to play cash.  I was at 4/8 HORSE for a long time, made a bunch of money, went to 1/2 PLO, made a bunch more money, ate free comped dinner and beer, and then headed back to the poker room.

First thing I see coming through the limit side is Chris sitting at a very short 4/8 HORSE table.  I sit down, we start splashing around, and in no time Tracy and some others had joined us again.  We got a full table going and a full must-move (which eventually became HOREO!!! LOL).  Chris and Tracy and I played drunken poker (a lot of fun!!!!) until about 2am when we all decided it was time to sleep.

Up again early Sunday for the 11am HORSE tournament.  I feel that I played really well.  Again, the structure was not the best, but I played a really solid game and busted out in 11th after an awful 3 hands in a row at razz.  I got it in on my final hand with (24)67 against (J9)46.  J946 somehow went runners perfect A, 3, 2 to make a smooth 6 (I could NOT believe it!!!) and busted me out on the bubble.  Boo-hoo.  If I won that hand I would have moneyed cause antes and blinds were so high at that point we were dropping like flies.  *sigh*

I did not get to say goodbye to many people because they left when they busted out of the tournament and I made it to the final 2 tables, which was sad, but hopefully I'll see people again at ATLARGE.  I really had a great time at FARGO and was only by myself for the first few minutes of dinner.  Everyone was very welcoming! 

Epiphany

Today I realized just how messed up my head has been for the past year or so.  Wow...divorce = so not a good place.  Good news: I'm on road to recovery from past year.  Making progress.  Thanks to my friends and family for being there for me and helping me work my way out of my own mental fetters and reinforced insecurities.  Thanks for helping me to see the light and the true state of the world.

Starting to remember that you have to be there for yourself first, before you can be there for anyone else.  In the event of an emergency, please place your own mask before assisting children!

Queen high???

Had a very bizarre thing happen the other day.  Well, hand-wise, anyways.  I have seen some truly bizarre things when it comes to the people I am playing with.

So, I was at Foxwoods this weekend for FARGO.  A great time was had and I'll post a recap soon.  Sunday, post-HORSE tourney, I was playing at a 1/2 NL table.  I had a whole paragraph typed out here about recent (past 6 months or so) adjustments to my style of NL play, but then realized why do I want to share all of this with the world?  ;)  Suffice it to say that I've been experimenting recently with exploiting my usual tight image with some LAG-gy moves here and there. 

So I was at a 1/2 NLHE table with some aggressive players, I had a tight image, and I decided to get a little aggro when I was dealt AKs in the cutoff.  I raised to $12pf, and got heads up with the table fish (on the button).  Now, this guy was a station, but he also knew how to fold if the price was right, so the flop came out J46, rainbow.  He bet out $25, and I immediately check raised all in for about $150 on top.  The guy sitting next to me, obviously thinking I had a monster, whispered, "get 'em, girl." 

Station thinks forever and says: "$150 more?  I guess I have to call."  At this point I think he has a J, but hey, I have two overs, so what the hell.  Hopefully he doesn't have AJ. Turn: 6 River: Q.  I say, well, if you have a pair, you are good.  The table is clearly shocked at this revelation, but not as shocked as me when this guy table QcTc.  That's right.  He called my $150 check-raise all in on a J-high rainbow board with Queen high, no draw.  Then he says he thinks Queen high was good the whole way.  He's not joking or trying to tilt me.  I can tell he is sincere.

And all I can say about that is THANK GOD there are still people like you who sit at poker tables, sir.  Please, continue to call my checkraises with Qhigh!!!  LOL

Gun Shy

Have you ever had such a colossal error of judgment that it leaves you wondering if you ever had any good judgment in the first place?  In poker, I equate this feeling to have a really long streak of running poorly, such that it causes you to question everything you do and just feel like you forgot how to play.  Maybe you even do forget how to play for a bit.

I've felt that way recently.  Lots of people say "you'll learn from the experience," but I find myself wondering how I can learn from it, if I was dumb enough to be taken in so completely in the first place.  Who's to say I won't be a complete sucker in the future when I didn't even realize that I was being such a sucker to begin with?  In fact, I have to kind of believe that I will feel like (be) a complete sucker in the future since I obviously saw no warning signs of how duped I was.  This error of judgment has me walking around on egg shells recently, afraid to do much of anything for finding myself in the same position again...leaving me with even bigger trust issues than I already had.  Is putting your trust in anyone a sucker bet?  Yeah, I kinda feel like it is.  [As an aside: Strangely enough, the list of people I'd currently trust with my life includes my ex-husband.  Go figure.  (See, perhaps there's that sucker thing again).]

So world, I'm gonna play the game of life like scared money for a little bit.  Til I remember that I know how to play this game and get some confidence back.  Best way to do that?  Booking a solid W.  Gonna try to work on that one.  One life win, please. 

From the file of "case in point"

A male friend of mine started the conversation by telling me how men are stupid, and I should stay away from them if I value my sanity.  And then he proceeded to hit on me. 

I can feel the hamster running in my head

What do I want?  This is a very good question.  Someone asked me this recently and I have no idea (well, I have a macro idea, but not a micro idea...that is, I know what I want, big-picture wise, but on the specifics, ya got me).  I know what I feel that I want, but then I wonder if the reason I want that is due to a current lack of security, feeling of rejection, sense of total loneliness.  I wonder if the reason I want that is the nostalgia trap, and remembering the good without the bad. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder...myself into circles.

To late to turn back now, regardless of what I want, so, might as well look forward. 

Ani DiFranco says it so well

squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

and I'm beyond your peripheral vision

so you might want to turn your head

cause someday you're going to get hungry

and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will

and I have done well by their names

just the kindness I've lavished on strangers

is more than I can explain

still there's many who've turned out their porch lights

just so I would think they were not home

and hid in the dark of their windows

til I'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl

course too pretty is also your doom

cause everyone harbors a secret hatred

for the prettiest girl in the room

and god help you if you are a pheonix

and you dare to rise up from the ash

a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy

while you are just flying back

I'm not trying to give my life meaning

by demeaning you

and I would like to state for the record

I did everything that I could do

I'm not saying that I'm a saint

I just don't want to live that way

no, I will never be a saint

but I will always say

squint your eyes and look closer

I'm not between you and your ambition

I am a poster girl with no poster

I am thirty-two flavors and then some

And I'm beyond your peripheral vision

So you might want to turn your head

Cause someday you might find you're starving

and eating all of the words you said

Trying to explain a technical passion to others

How do you do it? Is it even possible?  The things that make our passion exciting to us are hard to translate to people who haven't felt the things we feel.  Among poker players, for example, it is hard to explain the soul-sucking defeat of having two outs or the absolute elation of playing a hand such that you get your opponent to put in their stack with only two outs.  The non-technical translation ("That's a really good thing!") or even the somewhat technical translation ("Mathwise, I am a 90+% favorite.") really doesn't cut it.  It's just one of those things that's hard to explain to others who haven't been in the trenches.

Travis recently tried to explain such a situation on his blog, and to be honest, even as someone who would like to think that she gets the game, I found his post rather boring to read (apologies, Trav).  I think that has something to do with the passion.  It's hard to translate that to people who don't love the game. 

I manage to still have some people in my life that don't "get" poker.  Even if they inquire about my play, I have learned to KISS (keep it simple, stupid) cause otherwise they get a glazed over look on their faces.  Similar, I imagine, to how I felt the first time I tried to read Sklansky's "Theory of Poker."

I wish there was a way to translate the passion to people.  If someone figures it out, let me know. 

Things I have lost

teeth
my Star Wars action figures
sleep
temper
my favorite little black dress i bought when we went to boca
money
my eyebrow
toenail(s)
moles
the contents of my stomach
hands of poker with the best hand
hands of poker with the worst hand
pets
grandparents
a husband
friends
innocence
sanity

Just Like Riding a Bicycle?

I haven't posted in awhile.  Been busy with the end of the semester, and then busy not doing much of anything that was bloggable.  I did recently see Pixar's Up! and would highly recommend it.  Just be sure to bring the tissues.

I leave for Vegas to play in WSOP event #31 ($1500 HORSE) in a little more than a week.  It's hopefully gonna be a great trip, and I'm really starting to get excited for it except...I haven't played live NLHE in almost two months* and I'm a bit worried about my game not being up to par.  I'll actually probably play Omaha8 more than anything else while out there, but I really want to get some live action under my belt again.

A few nights ago, I was saying something to this effect and it brought up the topic: if you've been out of the saddle, do you think you need a warm up or are you cool with just showing up.  Playing my A+ game takes a lot of mental warm up, so for me, I need to get out there again sooner rather than later...  But I'm interested to hear what other people have to say.

*Assuming you don't count the three hands I played at the last game ever of the SHOP.  Third hand, I flop a set of 9's against an obvious overpair on a QJ9 board.  T on the river after all money goes in on the flop.  Ugh.

Angels and demons review

Blevins really wanted to see Angels and Demons, and I was curious having liked the book better than the DaVinci code. I promised him we'd go on opening night.

Without giving too much away for those who haven't seen it, I had two major problems: 1) they don't develop what should be one of the major characters nearly enough. 2) the best part of the book is all the philosophy and history. They are bit players in the movie; window-dressing.

Overall it was an average movie. I think I might have been less disappointed if I hadn't read the book.

Lou Krieger on HORSE

There are a lot of dualities in poker.  Some people at live poker are really annoying, yet these are often the people you want to sit with because they play badly.  Being a professional player may seem like a great life, and there are a lot of freedoms, but it also comes with a lot of stresses that a "normal" job does not have.

I have long lamented the lack of books, strategy advice, etc about HORSE games and tournaments as their own entity.  Of course there are several things to be read on each game individually, but there are few things that discuss the overall strategy of mixed games and tournaments.  The meta game, if you will.  Most of what I know on that front I have gleaned from personal experience and discussion with other players who know what they are doing on the mixed front.

On the other hand, this lack of ready information is exactly what makes HORSE games so juicy.  While NLHE is probably the game that I understand the best, just because I have played far and away more hands of that compared to anything else, my relative skill level relative to my opponents is certainly much higher in HORSE.

Nonetheless, I am really happy to see that Lou Krieger is doing a new weekly HORSE column for PokerNews.  The first part is available here.  Second is here.  I'm definitely looking forward to future columns.

Personally, I know I need improvement on the HORSE tournament front (in the middle of rereading FT's Tournament book in prep for the series).  My HORSE cash game is pretty solid.

Maybe not a vampire, but close.

I was gmail chatting with a friend the other day and I noted that the worst part for me about returning to a 9-5er would be waking up in the morning.  I'm definitely not a morning person, though I did manage to turn into one of those people who wake up by 10am on weekends after 5 years of the 9-5 thing. 

He immediately retorted with: "But you are always awake early!" 

Indeed.  It was 7:30am when we were chatting.

Before I could type my response he wrote again: "Oh.  *Still* awake?"

Yessir.  Definitely NOT a morning person.  I much prefer to be able to sleep when I am sleepy and wake when I'm not. 

Overheard at UMD coffee bar

Girl points to terrapin shaped cookies. "why are those cookies shaped like whales?"

Deuce on the Rivah

One of the local dealers' favorite hand is 7-2 and he is rather notorious for dealing a deuce on the river.  You better believe I thought about him in this hand I just played.

PokerStars Game #27650335833:
Tournament #158090463, $30+$3 HORSE (7 Card Stud Hi/Lo Limit) - Level V
(75/150) - 2009/04/30 1:44:39 ET

Table '158090463 5' 8-max

Seat 1: Jim76262 (4793 in chips)

Seat 2: Sooners (4559 in chips)

Seat 3: RBPlayer71 (1895 in chips)

Seat 4: CarlyRose (1763 in chips)

Seat 5: c2d2 (1190 in chips)

Seat 6: gman3613 (3770 in chips)

Seat 7: LOUIEBOY73 (548 in chips)

Seat 8: Igotguts (5482 in chips)

Sooners: posts the ante 15

RBPlayer71: posts the ante 15

CarlyRose: posts the ante 15

c2d2: posts the ante 15

gman3613: posts the ante 15

LOUIEBOY73: posts the ante 15

Igotguts: posts the ante 15

Jim76262: posts the ante 15

3rd STREET


Dealt to Jim76262


Dealt to Sooners

Dealt to RBPlayer71

Dealt to CarlyRose

Dealt to c2d2

Dealt to gman3613

Dealt to LOUIEBOY73

Dealt to Igotguts

LOUIEBOY73: bets 75

Igotguts: folds

Jim76262: calls 75

Sooners: folds

RBPlayer71: folds

CarlyRose: folds

c2d2: raises 75 to 150

gman3613: calls 150

LOUIEBOY73: raises 75 to 225

Jim76262: folds

c2d2: raises 75 to 300

Betting is capped

gman3613: calls 150

LOUIEBOY73: calls 75

4th STREET

Dealt to c2d2

Dealt to gman3613

Dealt to LOUIEBOY73

LOUIEBOY73: bets 75

c2d2: raises 75 to 150

gman3613: calls 150

LOUIEBOY73: raises 75 to 225

c2d2: raises 75 to 300

Betting is capped

gman3613: calls 150

LOUIEBOY73: calls 8 and is all-in

5th STREET

Dealt to c2d2

Dealt to gman3613

Dealt to LOUIEBOY73

c2d2: bets 150

gman3613: calls 150

6th STREET

Dealt to c2d2

Dealt to gman3613

Dealt to LOUIEBOY73

c2d2: bets 150

gman3613: calls 150


RIVER:


Dealt to c2d2

c2d2: bets 150

gman3613: calls 150


SHOW DOWN :

c2d2: shows
(HI: three of a kind, Aces)

gman3613: mucks
hand

c2d2 collected 1034 from side pot

LOUIEBOY73: shows
(HI: four of a kind, Deuces)

LOUIEBOY73 collected 1794 from main pot

No low hand qualified


SUMMARY:

Total pot 2828 Main pot 1794. Side pot 1034. | Rake 0

Seat 1: Jim76262 folded on the 3rd Street

Seat 2: Sooners folded on the 3rd Street (didn't bet)

Seat 3: RBPlayer71 folded on the 3rd Street (didn't bet)

Seat 4: CarlyRose folded on the 3rd Street (didn't bet)

Seat 5: c2d2 shows
and won (1034) with HI: three of a kind, Aces

Seat 6: gman3613 mucks



Seat 7: LOUIEBOY73 shows
and won (1794) with HI: four of a kind, Deuces

Seat 8: Igotguts folded on the 3rd Street (didn't bet)