On being the first

Warning.  Deep thoughts ahead. 

I have always been a loner.  In elementary school I think some people thought something was wrong with me because I liked to just sit and look out the window like a cat for long periods of time.  Really I just like to think, and quietly sitting somewhere is conducive to that.  Even today, people frequently think I'm upset when in reality I'm just thinking.  My quietness and the need to be alone is also often misinterpreted by people as standoffishness or disinterest.  Not so - I just need some alone time to maintain my mental health.  I have always been contemplative.

Up until my freshman year of college, this side of me bothered me a lot.  In school the focus always seemed to be on fitting in and I definitely was different.  I had plenty of friends and I liked hanging out with them, but my difference really bothered me.  None of my friends just liked to sit quietly by themselves or to be alone for any length of time. 

My freshman year of college was really a life-changing year in a lot of ways.  One of the many was when I realized that in life, really EVERYONE is alone*.  I was sitting in the lounge on our floor at some wee hour of the morning discussing life with some of the guys on the floor.  Somehow we started talking about this and one of them said that everyone is really alone in life.  When it comes down to it, the only person you can ever really count on is you.  We go through life and we have friends and family we can count on, yes, but ultimately we are all traveling through life alone.  At the end of the day, you and you alone have to make peace with yourself. 

At first I fought him because this realization was really disturbing to me, but over time I came to embrace it and agree with him in his analysis.  Now, I actually find it kind of empowering.  I've made it through some bad situations thanks to my own personal strength.  I've certainly had support from others (and I am very thankful for that).  But ultimately decisions about life have to come from within.  E.g., you cannot force an addict to quit their addiction unless they themselves make the choice to.  It's the same with life.  In tough times we have others who help us get through, but ultimately, getting through it has to be a conscious choice of our own.

As someone who is very introspective, I frequently find myself relying on others to provide a reality check.  Do the thoughts I've been turning over in my head make sense on their face?  What about people who have gone through similar situations?  Can they relate to how I am feeling?  I have the brain of a scientist (researcher, analyzer, etc.), so I like to seek out multiple data points to confirm my own feelings.

And that is the downside of being the first among your friends to go through a lot of life events.  For better or worse, I have been the first among my friends to go through many life changes (though not having kids).  That makes it hard when you want to get advice from someone you trust that has experience in what you are going through. 

* I don't believe in God.  I suppose people who are believers would say that you are not alone because you have God.  However, the person who originally brought this up is a pretty religious person.