I haven't written in a long time. Part of that is because this is in no way an anonymous blog and a lot of what I would like to post recently would really be better posted in an anonymous or semi-anonymous blog (I kinda thing I should keep a diary for my eyes only sometimes). Part of it is being busy with other things. Part of it is just not being motivated to write.
I read this post in one of the blogs I follow this morning. It echoed a lot of my own sentiments of late. Battle scars... starting to come to terms with a lot of those and wondering how or if I will ever get past them.
I talk a lot. If you know me well, you might not believe that I am actually pretty shy and socially awkward. I embarrass easily. I'm really too sensitive (though significantly better than I used to be). To make matters worse, the sensitivity leads me to be ridiculously paranoid at times. But then other times, I overcorrect; assume I'm being paranoid when I'm actually not. This is why I am very glad to have impartial friends who can say: "no you weren't out of line there" or "yeah, you are overreacting." Jeff and I had our issues, but he was good at being my wall on a lot of these things.
Battle scars from friendship and relationship battles... I feel like such a ball of neuroses at times, I wonder how I am ever going to have a good relationship* with anyone ever again. If I am even capable of that. I feel so far out of normal compared to most people right now. I have trust issues. I have intimacy issues (can't really let anyone get too close, cause what if I get hurt?). A lot of what people take as aloof is really me just pretending to the world that I don't care, cause I really care, probably too much, and I can't admit that now, can I?
I normally don't like writing posts like this cause people like my mother then read them and worry about me. I'm OK, Mom, really. At least OK as I've been the past 30 years. :) Just part of me still trying to figure out who I am, post 10-year relationship.
*PGALC's notion of a what she is looking for in a good relationship and I 100% agree with her: "I'm not cut from the same cloth as
most women. I'm fine with not getting married or having children-- I'm
not opposed to those things, but they aren't things I'm seeking out.
I'm looking for a life partner-- a partner in crime even. Someone to
share in my shenanigans and adventures. To run off to Europe for a
month or to just sit in pajamas all day Sunday and watch House reruns." Shit. Who doesn't want that?
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