Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Over the course of the past few months I have ranged the complete gamut from indifference to frustration over this, which is kind of surprising, really. Age usually does not bother me. To quote Billy: "age is just a number, boo."
It is a fact of human nature that people fall into a nostalgia trap when thinking about the past. I was getting all set to write about how happy and carefree I was at 25 when I sat back and thought about it again. The issues I had then were different than the issues I have now, but I still had issues. In terms of a positive/negative life balance, honestly things were probably about the same.
Divorce is hard (obv). You get used to having someone else around 24/7, even if you're not having a lot of meaningful interaction. After 8 years of living with someone, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be to live alone. I used to love my alone time. This is probably the hardest part, and it blind-sided me.
On top of that, you start to examine all of your own faults that led to this situation and start viewing yourself as a flawed person. And then you alternately worry that there is no one out there for you, and even if there is and you do find that person, that somehow you will fuck it up (again) which will make you feel like a double failure. And I know I caused a lot of hurt, and I'm afraid to put myself or another person through that again.
Add to this the fact that I'm struggling with "Wow, I'm really 30? I was supposed to have 2 kids by now." and "Wow, I'm really 30? Why am I worried about paying my bills and being able to afford to put a roof over my head? That is bohemian when you are 22. At 30 it's like, go get a real job." and also "Wow, I'm really 30? I'm actually going to have to come to grips with the fact that half of my life could be over." combined with the "Wow I'm really 30? What the heck did I do with the last 30 years of my life?"
I think this philosophy class I've had to take this semester is making me unnecessarily philosophical. At any rate, I guess I'm going to be a real adult in a few short hours. LOL
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