You don't get me because you're not (fill in the blank)

It was brought to my attention that I have been letting this space die.  And it's true.  I haven't been doing it purposefully.  Quite frankly, I've had a lot of great adventures in the last half of 2010.  But I'm lazy, and I also don't want my parents to read some of that stuff (Hi Mom and Dad!).  ;)

I've been thinking about some stuff lately that is shockingly world appropriate.  And I was nagged to start writing in this space again.  So here I am. 

When I was in my MA program, I concentrated pretty heavily on bureaucracy.  Within the bureaucracy literature, there is a debate as to whether one needs to be "like" someone in order to accurately and adequately represent their views and desires.  This is the old "you need to walk a mile in my shoes before you get me" argument.  When I first found this argument, my gut reaction was to say "no, of course not."  After all, if you need to be exactly like someone to represent them, the whole idea of Democracy is probably flawed.  However, the more I contemplate this, the more I wonder if it's not true.

Thoughts welcomed.

Judgment and Societal Norms

I've been very delinquent posting here recently.  I've been running around with sporadic internet access lately and that's part of it.  The other part is that a lot of the interesting stuff in my life is not necessarily public appropriate.  I also think it's probably pretty boring to read about the stuff that is public appropriate.  At any rate, I digress.

I'm back in MD after an extended period away.  I've been catching up on conversations with a lot of friends.  It might not surprise you to know that many of my friends live "alternative" lifestyles, considering I myself live an alternative lifestyle in some ways (though I tend to think of myself as pretty normal).  For whatever reason, several of these recent conversations have centered on societal norms.  I've been doing a lot of thinking about the subject.

Why the hell are so many of these norms still "normal" in this day and age?  I'm not talking about societal norms that exist for obvious reasons.  I mean, it seems pretty clear why murder is inappropriate in any society that expects to function.  That is clearly a rational norm.  But what about other things?

In one conversation, the topic that jump-started confusion over norms was marriage.  Two of my friends who have an unconventional relationship recently got married.  The decision to legally formalize their relationship had more to do with legal practicalities than anything else; they are not the kind of people who need to follow the expected conventional path in terms of marriage.  Nor did they have a traditional wedding, reception, etc.  For some reason, this seems to bother many people they know.  Why?  Why would this have any bearing on other people?  It doesn't.  And yet other people seem to feel the need to interject judgment on them for not doing it the "right" way.  This behavior eludes me.  Why does it matter if someone does all the traditional stuff?  How two people choose to live their life together is really only relevant to the two people involved.  So what if YOU want a traditional wedding...are you so unwilling to accept that not everyone might want the same things you do?

In another conversation, I was discussing the fact that I am not a traditional romantic.  Don't get me wrong, I love romance, but what most people think of as "romance" is not me.  I don't need a big engagement ring or elaborate proposal.  As a matter of fact, I'd rather have the proposal be private than some big public declaration of the intent to marry.  And as for the ring, it seems like there are better things to spend money on than a piece of bling.  I don't need material gifts.  I'd much rather celebrate special ocassions by, you know, actually spending time with the people I love.  Spending time is more important to me than material goods.  And yet so many people seem to think it means you don't love them if you don't buy someone roses on Valentine's day (I'd rather have you buy me Gerber daisies on a random day when you know I'm in a bad mood).  Why do people judge other couples as "not in love" if they don't all engage in the accepted relationship practices?  I have yet to figure this out.  How the heck do you know what two people feel for each other or what is meaningful to them?  Is it so hard to understand that people might be different?

I was very much raised to think that adults should be able to do their own thing.  People celebrate life, death, happiness, and sadness in different ways.  People grieve differently.  Why should I force my understanding of any of these concepts on you?  I'm so happy my family looks at life with this attitude.  You don't want to come to so and so's funeral because you want to grieve alone?  Great.  No one is going to judge you.  Let us know if you need anything.  No one that I care about is going to get snippy because I chose not to have a garter toss at my wedding, but hey, if you want to do that at your wedding, I'm not going to look down on you.  Do your own thing.  Do what is important to you.

There are so many important things in the world.  Life and death things.  Perhaps the world would be a better place if people focused more on the important things and less on the bullshit.  Perhaps people should focus more on what is important to those who they care about than what society thinks those people should or should not be doing.

This is one of those things that I don't think I'm ever going to get.  There seem to be a lot of those things, and most of them have to do with social traditions and norms that do not seem to be based on any kind of rationality.

Adventure 2010

I can't even remember the first time I was on a boat.  Supposedly, my mom was on my grandparents' boat when she was pregnant with me, so it must've been early on in my life.

When growing up, summers were spent in one of two places: Michigan with my cousins, or on the Pacific Ocean on my grandparents' sailboat, the Ilikai II, a Panda 40. 

Eventually my grandparents' sold their boat, and for a few years, our boating adventures were limited to charters.  Then, two years ago, there was the debacle that was my Dad buying a boat while my Mom was out of town (they got out of it).  Finally, last year, they ended up getting a great price (yay faltering economy) on a Grand Banks 42 Classic, Change of Latitude.

In 2009 I spent about 5 weeks on Change of Latitude; 3 in the Summer and 2 in the Winter.  And now I'm headed back for round 2.  Will be aboard COL from July 15th-August 3rd.  Expect many pictures when I return.  Before that, you can follow progress at the blog my dad finally set up here.  And if you are curious, you can follow my Aunt and Uncle's trip around the world in their catamaran here.

Hermiting

People who know me well know that I am actually quite a private person.  Sure, I'm loud and make inappropriate jokes when in a crowd, but I tend to hold the important things close to my heart, without letting many people know the depths of my feelings or emotions.  Especially the things that are important to me.  I don't like to feel so vulnerable.  Vulnerable is scary.  Vulnerable is also why I've been super-moody for the past several weeks.  So please accept my apology if I've blown you off recently.  Or ignored your IM, or phone call.  I've kinda just felt like being alone.  Things need to be taken care of on the home front, and I'm hoping being relatively incommunicado from the world on a boat for a few weeks will help with that.  Cheers.

Nostalgia

Can hardly wait til December.  :D

(photo by the ever talented Tim Whims)

I <3 Princess Leia

I so totally remember this moment.  We were on Cannon Beach, in Oregon.  Flying kites (obv).  Perfect day for it as it was really windy.  Of course, my hair kept getting in my face, despite the pink barrettes my mom had in my hair.  lol

Yes, I Have a Strangely Awesome Family

I credit my parents for my love of learning.  I have always been inquisitive (others might say downright nosy).  I was that nerdy kid that actually read through the dictionary, and several volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica.  After accomplishing those lofty goals, I saw fit to read the entirety of the 92.x section (biographies) in our local library.  And after that, I tended to get rather obssess-y about different periods in history, reading everything I could about it, and then moving on to another time period.  Somewhere in there, I also managed to read both Old and New Testament of the Bible.  Strange considering my family is, at best, agnostic.  Good thing I am a quick reader.

In elementary and middle school, probably in an attempt to keep me and my already rather ADD-self from getting bored, my Dad started giving us challenges.  He'd ask us a question and we had to come up with the answer before dinner the next day.  They were generally mini-research projects.  I thought this was awesome.  (See, I told you I was a very abnormal child).  (FTR, this is also probably why I am so good at trivia).

My immediate family only gets together 2-3 times/year if we are lucky these days.  My sister has a work schedule that keeps her fairly busy on most holidays and my dad travels a lot for work.  Generally the four of us only get together for a day at Thanksgiving and a few days at Christmas.  This year, we all managed to coordinate a week on my parents' boat as well.  The last time my sister and I were on a boat together with my parents was 2004?  2002?  Awhile ago, at any rate.

So, in order to make the most of our time together, my dad sent out an email today suggesting that we do theme nights.  He suggested a few ideas, mostly relating to old family traditions, and asked for other ideas.  My sister suggested a quiz night about stuff related to the boat.  Hmmmmmm... I might need to study up.  Sounds like another research project to me.  ;)

Top of the Trop, Monday night, 11:10pm

Though I don't really remember how we got on the subject, it quickly became one of those conversations that you want to bottle and save, so the next time someone asks you about yourself you can just say "listen to this" rather than trying to explain it.  My sister and I seem to have those conversations a lot.

This particular evening, we were sitting in the lounge area at the Top of the Trop (which is one of those places I'm glad most people in AC do not know about) with her boyfriend.  We were discussing psychology.  More particularly each of our own psychology.  How it shaped various relationships we've had.  How our personalities have driven our relationships with our parents.  And how all of our personalities interacted together.  How so few people really *knew* our true personalities. 

Sarah noted: "I think a lot of people I know now would be surprised to learn how clingy I was when I was younger."

I responded: "I think a lot of people you knew then would be surprised you are socially functional now."

She rebutted: "I'm more socially functional than you!!!"

I paused for a moment and considered.  I could not disagree.

Quote from a Friend on my FB Wall

"If
I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me,
this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very
best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so
until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what's said against
me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels
swearing I was right would make no difference."

--Abraham Lincoln

Ladies and Gentlemen, Introducing the Plobcycle

"@ckbwop I think I just figured out what a #plobcycllle is. Blog post coming. #muhahahaha" - me, earlier this evening on Twitter.

My stack shortly before the game broke after the plobcycle helped me to recover from $150/$300.

Flashback to WPBT in December.  We had arrived on Thursday.  We partied like rockstars.  Sunday came and went.  A bunch of us ended up, post-football, at the IP Geisha bar for our last hurrah before everyone went home.  CK and I were standing around, drinking our drinks, when she looks at me and asks if we should see if the Sunday night IP mixed game is running.  I look across the pit.  The poker room is only like 500 feet from us.  We wander over with Dawn.  Somehow, before you know it, there is NOT a mixed game, but a 1/2 NLHE game, featuring the drunken likes of me, CK, Dawn, F-train, Penner, and assorted others.  There was also a whole Rich/Not Rich controversy and as it turns out I actually knew Not Rich, but I digress.  Much hilarity ensued at this game, and if you were not there, you totally missed out.

At one point, some blogger donkey made a wheel.  In 1/2 NLHE.  I immediately flashed back to four years ago at the Trop.  There was a crazy Asian woman who would say "biiiiiiiiiiicyclllllllle!" in a super annoying voice every time she made a wheel.  I'm certain I said both "biiiiiiiiiicycllllllllllle!" and told the story to the other bloggers.  For some reason this seemed very funny at the time.  I'm guessing because we were all pretty drunk.

Though WPBT ended shortly thereafter, periodically, CK and I would tweet "#biiiiicyclllllle" to each other, primarily when one of us tweeted about playing O8.  I started abusing the hashtag, and one day when I was playing PLO, someone tweeted #biiiiicycllllllle in an attempt to wish me good PLO luck.  A discussion of how a bicycle was clearly a terrible PLO hand ensued.  CK tweeted "#plobcyclllllle!" (which, in my mind, is pronounced Plob-cycle, not PLO bicycle).  And thus another hashtag meme was born.  However, none of us could quite figure out what a plobcycle WAS.  Broadway?  No...who wants to flop a straight in Omaha?  We never pinned it down.

Tonight I discovered what a plobcycle was.  If this is NOT a plobcycle, I don't know what is.

The Borgata Poker Room.  Table 19.  1/2 PLO, full ring, lots of donkeys.  Shortly before midnight on a Tuesday.

Your hero is in the 1 seat.  Two to her left is a super lagtard PLO player.  He will always bet your hand for you.  Sadly, your hero has been running badly and is down to $150/$300.  Her game plan for getting even?  Repot the lagtard the next time she has a quality hand.

Oh, look at this!  Hero has looked down to see AdTdAcQc.  She is UTG.  Purrrrrrrfect.  Hero innocently throws two chips in the pot. Two seat also limps.  Three seat pots as expected.  $12.  What's this?  Several calls of the $12?  Even better.  I make it $60 to go.  Somewhat shockingly, 2, 3, 4, 8, and 10 seat all flat the $60.  I pray to hit the flop hard because I'm jamming my remaining $90 no matter what it is.  Flop: A25.  Rainbow.  I jam, praying no one has 34, for a #biiiiicyclllllle.  2 seat folds.  3 seat folds.  4 seat...pots?  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  I happen to know the 4 seat and he is not potting here to do me a solid and offer me protection.  He is potting because he has 34.  He flopped a motherfucking #biiiiicycllllllllle.

Everyone folds.  He does not table his hand, but I know I need the board to pair.  The whole table is well aware I have flopped top set, though I have not tabled my hand either.  My opponent knows he needs to dodge the board pairing.  I'm thinking "ONE TIME!!!!!" when the turn comes off a Kd.  "PAIR THE BOARD, DEALER, COME ON!!!!"  The river looks to be a safe Js.  

The 4 seat sighs relief and tables 2345, right as I say, "I have broadway."  The entire table is shocked.  "You don't have top set?," the 6 seat asks, clearly confused.  I table AAQT double-suited.  The four seat curses under his breath.  "Nice hand, Katie."  I get pushed a very large pot.  Good return on investment for $150.

My first thought is: "And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a plobcycle." 

OMG, not a post about poker!

The other day I was spending some time with Molly and the topic of health insurance came up.  I'm officially uninsured June 15th (which reminds me, I guess I should look into private "Oh Shit" insurance, but, I digress...).  She asked me how I planned to handle that.

In reality, I hope to have a job on the horizon by then, so hopefully this will not be such a big deal.  Furthermore, I'm relatively healthy.  I've only been to the hospital twice in my life, both due to my own klutziness.  I don't have any pre-existing conditions or medication I need to take for anything.  The only pill I take on a daily basis is my birth control.  And therein lies the rub.

I told Molly the primary reason I want health insurance is so I don't have to pay $50/month for something that all women should have affordable access to.  Right now I pay $5/month.  A few years ago when I was working a 9 to 5-er, I paid $2.50/month.  But $50/month for basic birth control pills?  Why?  ¡Que ridículo! 

Why is Katie always talking about Latin dancing when she gets unlucky?

RT @ehonda500mob #Rumbas what do that mean @OnAFoldDraw @caitycaity

Anyone who owns an iPhone knows that its autocorrect feature sometimes takes a little while to get used to your own peculiarities.  For a very long time, whenever I wanted to type "for", I would end up with "fir" prompting numerous embarrassing texts in which I sound like an uneducated hick, as well as myriad pine tree jokes from @onafolddraw.  And then there was the time at the series last year when I sent a bunch of angry tweets where "go fuck yourself" got changed to "go duck yourself."  Not QUITE the same effect.  Fortunately, my phone has now adapted and realizes that when I type fuck, I generally didn't intend to say duck. 

Rumbas is one such addition to my lexicon that I have decided to keep.  I can't tell the hilarity of how rumbas started in 140 characters, so here is the official story:

Sometime back in 2009, I was at Harrah's AC Poker room.  @realdawnsummers and I were tweeting back and forth about my session which had just come to an abrupt end when my QQ < 92o after I check-raise 5 bet from UTG pre flop.  Yes, it was one of THOSE days.  Actually, that day had a happy ending, as I got a pep talk from Brian ("If there was any player in this room that I would back, it would be you! You KNOW you can do this!") and ended up with profit, after getting stuck quite a lot.  But I digress.

I was in the midst of some "OMFG can you believe 92 just cracked my QQ? How is 924r not a safe flop there???" tweet to Dawn when I decided I needed to add a bunch of hilarious hashtags.  (In case you don't know, Dawn is the queen of #SuperLongHashTagMemesThatAlwaysCrackMeUp).  Of course, the first hashtag I added was #runbad...or at least what I thought was #runbad.  I was tilty and taking a walk to get my head together and hit send without proofreading. 

Shortly thereafter, I noticed my iPhone had autocorrected #runbad to #rumbas.  In case you don't know, a rumba is a Latin dance.  In between fits of laughter, I tweeted back Dawn to say "#rumbas, WTF is that? OBV I meant #runbad. LOL"

Apparently Dawn thought #rumbas was as funny as me, so now we both frequently use #rumbas instead of #runbad.  I have to say, it makes me giggle a little bit every time, and therefore not be on #rumbas tilt.  In addition to the dance, rumbas is also the Spanish word for parties, which is of course what one tends to throw when on tilt after some #runbad.  Perhaps my smart phone is actually smarter than me...

It's March?

It seems like just yesterday when I was wondering what 2010 would bring.  I've been sadly neglecting my blog for a long time.  I have had lots of interesting adventures in the past three months, but I've had various reasons for not wanting to post about them here from 1) my parents read this to 2) lazy.  

January was mostly spent at the Borgata for the Winter Poker open where I drank a lot with @alcanthang, @scsuhockey10, and @spidurman.  I also bubble +1'd the Borgata Winter Poker open PLO $400 tourney.  Yes, that's right.  I played for 12.5 hours, and outlasted 86 people to bust in 11th place when 9 paid.  Frustrating to say the least. (Yeah, that's me in my red UMD sweatshirt at the final two tables about 45 minutes before busting). I suppose I should be happy though because I played my absolute best and was pretty much card dead throughout the entire 12 hours of the tourney.  If I had just had one big hand in the last 9 hours of the tourney, I definitely would have moneyed.

The first weekend of March @alcanthang and I went down to Greenville, SC for Mastodon Weekend.  I met some great new people, reconnected with old friends, finally met some people I have been talking to on twitter for awhile, did a lot of hijinking which probably should not be shared in a public forum (here's a clue, if you want the dirt, follow me on twitter), and popped my Wafflehouse cherry.

From South Carolina, I went to NJ for my 5th annual ATLarge, which was similiar to Mastodon Weekend in a lot of ways. Met some new people, chilled with old friends, and lots of hijinking.

And now, here I am for Spring Break in CT.  I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life over the past few months, but it's definitely time to get serious about that.  I plan to rejoin the working world in the near future...assuming I can find a job.  My poker bankroll is in bad shape, and though I love many things about this lifestyle, sweating money and not having health insurance are not very enjoyable.  I've decided that it's not too feasible to do this without living closer to legalized poker.  At the limits I'm playing, I need to put in too many hours.  Since I'm not moving to NJ or NV anytime soon, time to get a job in the meantime, get my bankroll back in good shape, and see what I want to do from there.  Additionally, I really feel an urge to make the world a better place, and grinding out a living on the felt is certainly not contributing to that. Nor is it contributing to my overall intellectual satisfaction.  As a matter of fact, I feel like poker has made me a rather boring conversationalist.  I have certainly not spent any significant time with people outside the poker world in a long, long time.

At any rate, thanks for continuing to read, and I promise I will try to do better about posting more to my blog. I can't promise to be a @realdawnsummers or anything, but I will try.

2009 - A Year in Terrible Quality iPhotos

This is my first mobile photo of 2009.  It's Princess, @onetimeforpop's Rottweiler.  And I'd recognize that rug anywhere - that's the SHOP.  No other place that I know of where people can play poker with an adorable dog putting her head in your lap. (1/2009)

Though I don't get to see my Dad all that often, he does consult in DC from time to time.  I am the frequent beneficiary of some yummy, expensive dinners when he is in town. This was taken at a very yummy steakhouse at the new National Harbor complex, next to the scenic Anacostia River (/sarcasm). (1/2009)

In for $200, sitting on $603 at the apt (Feb 2009)

Someone might be a little tilty...look at that chip pile! (Feb 2009)

Check out those racks of pink....too bad they were worth a fraction of their value at this game...  I don't remember the rotation, but this was a night of stupid poker at the apt.  (March 2009)

Now, these pinks OTOH are face value.  I crushed the pink o8 game at ATLARGE at the Taj in AC this year.  Repeatedly. (March 2009)

Most of the month of March, I lived at the Showboat in AC (no really...I was there every day in March except for 8).  I got to know the bartender at the videopoker bar right next to the poker room pretty well.  My sis frequently stopped by to have some drinks after work. (March 2009)

One of my cousins got married in Tucson.  A few days after the wedding, my sister, her boyfriend, and I went on a trail ride in the desert.  We rode horses, but I felt obliged to take a picture of the donkey. (Apr 2009)

In May, one of our favorite bartenders at the Turtle concocted a special drink, just for me, @onafolddraw, and @bmorebilly.  @onafolddraw named it the "girly man" b/c it is bright pink.  It is however, delicious.  Vodka, Redbull, pineapple juice, grenadine.  

At the Rio in Vegas for the WSOP.  @onafolddraw and I got this super pimped out suite.  Note that it has a globe.  We decided that the new standard for suite pimpage is "Globe? Yes/No" (June 2009)

At the end of July, I made a spontaneous pilgrimage to the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.  I drove there straight from NJ, stayed overnight, drove home the next day. (July 2009)

This bit of hilariousness was in my motel room in Cleveland. (July 2009)

Anne finally took me to go to the Baltimore Aquarium, which I had never gone to before...after living in this area for 13 years. (July 2009)

In July and August I went on a 3 week-long boat trip with my parents from Alaska, through British Columbia, and then around Washington state.  It couldn't have come at a better time and was very relaxing. (August 2009)

Went to a labor day party with my sister and her boyfriend.  Our contribution to the party were a million different flavors of jello shots. (August 2009)

Some time in September (a month where I spent all but 12 days at the Borgata for the Borgata Poker Open), I played my first pink o8 game at the Borgata. (Sept 2009)

And, I also played my first session of PLO at the Borgata.  In for $200, cashed out over $1k this session. (September 2009)

In the middle of the Borgata Poker Open, I detoured to Foxwoods for FARGO 2009.  I had a blast and made a lot of new friends.  SOOOOOO glad I went.  (Sept 2009)

September also saw me detour to Philly after a trip to AC to spend time w @uaegreg and his new law school friends.  At one point during this night, Greg and I both looked at each other and said..."we're 30 year olds, and we're at a house party." (September 2009)

In October I detoured to Philly again for a poker game @uaegreg set up with his law school buds and an open bar night.  I spent a lot of time on the road in 2009. (October 2009)

October also saw more pink crushage at the Borgata. (October 2009)

@alcanthang got this pimped out suite (alas no globe) at the Taj and I snapped this pic of the Borgata and Harrahs. (November 2009)

Thanksgiving (and my 31st bday) dinner. (November 2009)

December saw me travel to Vegas for the WPBT.  Shots of Soco at the Geisha Bar with the bloggers FTW. (December 2009)

And upon my return home, I was greated with a freak snowstorm, dropping 24" of snow in my front yard, and snowing me in (literally) thwarting my lunch plans with @spidurman and my last trip of 2009 to the Borgata. (December 2009)

Closed off 2009 with another few weeks on my parents' boat.  Mom and I ended up getting stuck in Vancouver for the last week of 2009, and this shelf (and gchats with a select few) helped cure massive boredom. (December 2009)

Me and New Year's Don't Mix

I kinda dread New Year's Eve every year.  It seems like the best laid plans always get thrown by the wayside and NYE instead ends up with a giant clusterfuck of a problem.  As a matter of fact, the only year that I can remember having a NYE that was good was 2007/2008 when I was in Vegas and I went on the biggest heater of my life playing $100/hand blackjack.  Now THAT was a good NYE.

I could literally tell you about 15 "wow my NYE got really screwed up" stories...the worst one was probably the year that my friend John and I got stood up by the guy we were supposed to hang out with (who was 21...we were not).  So after getting stood up, we decided that it would be a good idea to drive to Canada, where we could legally drink, and then spend some time at Casino Niagara.  I think this was NYE 1997/1998.  Everything went to plan until we got in a serious car accident in the middle of nowhere after running into a Buffalo storm on the way home the next day.  Car got totaled, we almost got totaled....I guess the good news is that both John and I are still alive.  LOL

And, so, I should not be surprised when my NYE this year looks like it will be spent stuck in Vancouver with my mom who does not drink.  :p

April, Come She Will

April, come she will

When streams are ripe and swelled with rain;

May, she will stay,

Resting in my arms again.

June, she'll change her tune
In restless walks she'll prowl the night;

July, she will fly,

And give no warning to her flight.


August, die she must

The autumn winds blow chilly and cold;

September I'll remember.

A love once new has now grown old.

~Simon and Garfunkel

I still owe a WPBT review.  It is forthcoming.  

In the meantime, I've had these thoughts about life swimming around in my head pretty much ever since Vegas.  I want to record them so I can remind myself of this step on my journey, and when times in the future may not seem quite so rosy. 

[Warning: brutal honesty ahead...]

The past few years have been pretty bad for me.  Supposedly, divorce is one of the most traumatic life events one can go through, and mine was not even that bad.  However, there was a lot of stuff leading up to it, and a lot of stuff after it that was a lot worse than negotiating the actual divorce.  

But what is a bad year, really?  A bad day might be you waking up on the wrong side of bed, being cranky, getting some bad news and dwelling on it.  But a bad year?  At that point, it's time to take some responsibility and admit that at least part of it might be your own fault, or at least your own attitude and choices.  That maybe you should stop seeking short-term fixes to long-term problems.

I have always thought of myself as a supremely independent person.  I like to do things my way.  I like to do things without help...even at times when it would really benefit me to swallow some pride and ask for some.  The past few years I've come to realize that I never really knew what independence was.  I went from pretty much being my parents' child to being my ex-husband's wife.  I never learned how to cope with some of the stresses of life by myself.  I always had someone there to help me.  The past year especially has been a bit rocky as I have learned to live more independently...how to find happiness from within myself, instead of happiness in others.  After six months of really and truly living alone without another person as my crutch, I think I've finally started to find some of that independence.  Happiness within myself.  Acceptance of being alone instead of always running from it. 

The low point in the past year was most definitely New Year's Eve 2008/2009.  I spent most of that night crying, and I was so seriously depressed that I literally had to be pulled out of bed.  I bailed on a New Year's Party that I paid $200 to attend because I couldn't get myself in the shower, let alone into formal wear.  From that night and over the course of the year I (re)learned the lesson that some people who you think might be your friends might not actually be there for you when the chips are down.  I'm definitely ending 2009 with a different group of people I consider to be my closest friends, but you know what?  They were the people who were there for me over some difficult times.  They were the people who stepped up when I had the courage to say "I need help" instead of the people who ran away or outright said no.  Most importantly, I've learned to ask for help when I need it and not fear getting "no" as an answer.  So many things have gone wrong in my life over the past two years and I've gotten through every single one of them.  The sun still rises the next day, and I am still here in one piece.  I have new-found confidence that I *can* get through whatever life throws at me.  Confidence that, even alone, I'm going to be OK, because I learned how to be there for myself.  I can pick up my own pieces and put them back together for myself.  And, more importantly, I've really come to understand that some of these problems have been my own fault (or at least exacerbated by my own actions).  As someone said to me: "when your hand gets sucked out on, yeah it sucks, but if you played it terribly, you have yourself to blame too."  AMEN.

So, the past week, I've been reflecting on all of this, and I'm feeling really good about my future, and really positive about my life, even though I don't have a job, and don't have a lot of direction right now.  I'm feeling so much better about myself as a person, and I think most of that has to do with the fact that I've found new confidence in my own abilities.  I know I can face and survive pretty much anything life can throw at me, so an unknown future is a lot less unnerving.

How's that for some brutal honesty?

Happy almost 2010, peeps.  I hope it's a good one for all of us.  But if it's not, know that I am prepared to be there for those of you who got me through 2009.  And I'm prepared to be there for myself too.  :)

One of my favorite quotes

Time to share it again:

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things
you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things
that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than
living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't
it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret
heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love
to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only
to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what
you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you
almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When
the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of
an understanding ear." - Stephen King

Degenerate Dating Drama

Wanted.  Someone who gets (or at least can put up with) the life of a poker grinder, but doesn't have a gambling problem.  

In the past week two separate people have asked me when I'm going to start dating, and it's devolved into a conversation about my life and relationships.

Post-divorce and post....whatever-the-hell-that-was, I've done a lot of thinking about this.  It's some thinking I probably should have done two years ago...or more like ten years ago.  I've realized a few pitfalls I've fallen into in the past and I'm determined not to fall in again.  It's been good. 

Most people are really shocked to discover I'm actually a shy person around people I don't know that well.  I suffer from really bad social anxiety in new situations. 

Needless to say, I've never been one to date a ton.  I got married when I was 22 (divorced at 29).  A friend has been trying to get me to do the online dating thing, but I don't know how ready I am to jump into something like that.  Scary.

On top of this, a new problem has recently arisen.  The life of the single, female, degenerate.  Most guys I meet are poker players.  Hell, most people I meet these days are poker players.  I'm not *trying* to date a poker player...(comes with its own issues).  But...I don't know that I have other venues for meeting people.  I'm pretty busy between poker (i.e. work) and school.  I'm on a crazy schedule where I sleep most of the daylight hours away.  Meeting people while playing poker is like...hanging out with coworkers.  :p

Alternatively, most non-poker playing guys I know think it's AWESOME when they first meet me that I play poker to help with the bills.  They want to hear all about the WSOP events I've played in.  This fascination usually lasts only until they figure out that the life of a poker player is not like the bling blang blaow video, or whatever their idea is of professional poker playing.  Seriously, I think they all think it's me just hanging out rolling in money and having fun.  Like I'm Phil Ivey or something.  Anyone who's done low/mid stakes grinding knows that's not it AT ALL.

So after about a week or so, the FASCINATION with my lifestyle wears off and they get really fed up wondering why I'm always in AC (it's like going to the office, definitely not a 24 hour party), why I am never free on weekends (best time to make money), why I'm always asleep during the day...  They get jealous of what they THINK my lifestyle is.  Not to mention the complete and total difference in the way we view money (Yes, it's OK to get $300 in with 21 outs, but that doesn't mean I want to spend an extra $.50 on gas! It's DIFFERENT.)  I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to find someone who understands this lifestyle that isn't a poker player, let alone someone who can put up with it.  And poker isn't something I'm giving up anytime soon, though I would love to start dating again. 

It's lonely out here for a girl poker player.  

So yeah... Wanted.  Someone who gets the life of a poker grinder, but doesn't have a gambling problem.  Someone who gets that I will be in AC working a lot of the time.  Someone who understands why I go on tilt from time to time.  Someone who gets the difference
between getting it all in with an OESFD and lighting money
on fire on material shit.  On the other hand, someone who wants to watch movies, cuddle on the couch, and rock out to music with me, too. I promise I can talk about things other than poker (I'm actually quite well-rounded)...but it's always gonna be a big part of my life.

Catching up on poker

I've been tracking my play with the iPhone app "poker journal" since March. (Yes, there's an app for that). I first read about it on 2+2, and it's been one of the most valuable pieces of info I've found on that forum. Last year I tried tracking my play through a google docs spreadsheet which quickly became garbage in/ garbage out because who wants to log all the particular details of a really rough session when you first get home? Having tracking on my phone allows me to set everything up when I first sit at the table and keeps me honest. I recently acquired enough data to dump it into excel and do some analysis. What did I find? I'm a far more profitable Omaha player (both limit and pot limit) than NLHE. I'm a winning NLHE player, to be sure, but I make much more consistent money (and more money per average session) at Omaha. Too bad it's frequently hard to find good live Omaha games. The good news is with one exception at the beginning of my tracking, I've been in the black all year. Too bad all of that money has gone to bills.

Next up: recap of past 24 hrs in AC. If you follow me on Twitter, you can skip this section. ;) Sat down at pink O8 at the Borgata. It was a very juicy table. Nonetheless, I quickly found myself down $100 due to flopping second nuts full house and having my low counterfeited on the river. In a three way pot, I gets Nunavut. However, I clawed my way back and netted +150 that session, putting me at +100 for the day after I dropped $50 really quickly at NLHE.

Most of the fish busted from the pink game after that, so I left to go check in at Harrahs. I wish I could just move in to one of their waterfront tower rooms. Went downstairs to play some NLHE...I was SUPER card dead for 2-3 hrs. Then had "one player to a hand" violated when I had quads against top full which cost me $150. Still, I perservered. I pulled off a great all-in river bluff around hour 3 against the guy who told me two hours earlier that girls never bluff. Did not show it because I just don't think showing the bluff is a +ev move for my style of play. Around hour 4.5, I FINALLY doubled up with AA>JJ on 8 high flop. Soon after I was outta there to get some sleep.

Also of note: borgata changed their cards to some fugly Gemacos last week. The shade of red is very dark (cause of the infamous "I have a flush...oh wait I don't" incident at the Tropicana in 2006, the cards are stiff, and the face cards are ridiculously ugly. But they supposedly work better in the autoshufflers.

Harrahs also changed their cards last week but they are the "nicer" Gemacos. Very flexible and no ugly face cards. However, they are no longer superindex. (and then the peasants rejoiced!) I hate superindex cards for Holdem.

Woke up feeling good. Gonna take a long shower, get some food, and hit the tables again hoping for some more winning sessions.

Recovering from Life Tilt

I allowed myself to get frustrated and tilty at some personal stuff on Monday night.  I told myself after I got it together and left the table that I was on poker time-out til next Monday, to prevent myself from doing anything stupid, like angry poker.  Angry poker is bad news.  Angry poker makes my bank account cry. 

So, I haven't played in a week.  It's been hard...especially since I've been in NJ for the past few days visiting with my sister.  And it was a holiday weekend and I know lots of fish were in AC.  But I know it's the right thing to do.  There is absolutely no point in playing on tilt.  I'm feeling refreshed and ready to get back to my game.

The weekend in NJ with John and Sarah has been great.  We've gone shopping in the cute little town that she and John work in.  We went to an Agatha Christie play.  We've bummed around drinking beer and watching football.  It's been very nice. 

I have a room that I booked ages ago at Harrah's Monday-Wednesday.  I'm very much looking forward to my return to poker.  Please, poker gods, let me run at least averagely.  :)